The A's to Z's
by Sukuru
Summary: 11.01.04: Updated! The Enterprise, under the command of Cabbage (don't ask) goes in search of Rancid Oatmeal IV! (Again, don't ask...)
1. The Phoenix and The U

Monday. Doctor McCoy woke up nice and bright and early. The Replicators all worked, none of the doors jammed (the cardboard had been getting a little chafed...), and all of the crew he passed in the hallways were nice and cheerful.  
  
Everything was nice.  
  
And then he walked into Sick Bay.  
  
Sitting on the bed was a phoenix. McCoy did a cartoon style double take, then blinked, rubbed his eyes, looked in his coffee cup, threw it over his shoulder, went to his 'medicine cabinet', had a long glug of whiskey, looked again, changed the whiskey to Romulan Ale, took a glug of that, looked again, then decided he wasn't insane and that the phoenix was real.  
  
"Are you real?" He asked it anyway. It blinked at him.  
  
"Bananas." It replied, "Mississippi. Chocolate and cheese."  
  
McCoy sighed. He was sane, but the phoenix obviously wasn't. This wasn't good.  
  
"Can you speak English."  
  
"Hai. Watakushi wa igirijusin sukoshi hannashimasu."  
  
"That would be Japanese."  
  
"Nein! Das ist flasch! Ich liebe mein fuhrer!"  
  
"And that would be German."  
  
"Femme la bouche!"  
  
"French." It suddenly occurred to the good doctor that he was talking with a multi-language-gifted bird. One that was on fire.  
  
He went over to the comm.  
  
"Spock. Spock?" He said a few times before realising he hadn't pushed the room-to-room.  
  
"Spock? Spock? McCoy to bridge; Spock?"  
  
"Doctor," Came the taciturn reply, "either state your business or drive someone else to the point of an emotional outburst."  
  
"Spock. There. Is. A. Phoenix. In. Sick. Bay."  
  
"Are you feeling alright, doctor?"  
  
"Are. You. LISTENING TO ME?"  
  
"I was not aware that you could imitate the Captain. Congratulations."  
  
If McCoy hadn't been so wound up he would have congratulated Spock himself for a good use of sarcasm. But, like I said, he was too wound up.  
  
"SPOCK YOU GREEN BLOODED HEARTLESS VULCAN WHO I'M GOING TO SHOOT IF YOU DON'T EXPLETIVE WELL LISTEN TO ME! THERE IS A PHOENIX IN SICK BAY AND IT CAN SPEAK GERMAN AND JAPANESE AND FRENCH AND ENGLISH BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE IN ANY OF THEM AND IT'S SITTING HERE ON A BIO-BED WILL YOU PLEASE COME DOWN HERE AT ONCE!"  
  
"Why me? Why not the Captain?"  
  
"I need the one with brains, not charm!"  
  
"I am honoured. I will come immediately."  
  
~~  
  
"It appears to be a rather large Eagle that you have set on fire."  
  
"No, it's a phoenix. Don't you read Earth mythology?"  
  
"I am a science officer. Of course I do not. It would be illogical."  
  
"Well, phoenix's are firebirds. They can resurrect themselves from their ashes when they die. But they are supposed to be fictitious, not real!"  
  
"Doctor."  
  
"Yes, Spock?"  
  
"There appears to be a young girl observing us."  
  
"What?" McCoy looked around. Sitting across Sick Bay from them was a little girl of about ten or eleven years of age, with long blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin and pointed ears. She grinned devilishly.  
  
"Hi! I'm a U! What are you?" 


	2. The Name Rule

"A U?" Kirk looked sceptically over at the young girl.  
  
"Yes sir. A U." Spock replied.  
  
"A U?" Kirk asked again.  
  
"Yes Jim. A U." McCoy replied.  
  
"A U?" Kirk asked again again.  
  
"Yes Jim. A U." The girl replied.  
  
"What's a U?"  
  
"The letter before V and after T." Spock answered logically.  
  
"A U is an immortal immature life form who likes screwing with people's lives and ships." The girl explained.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it's fun."  
  
"This is illogical." Spock stated.  
  
"I wasn't talking to you, un-elf-like-green-skinned-person." The girl pursed her lips and sat on a giant peach.  
  
"That is also illogical."  
  
"Where did you come from?" Kirk asked. The girl blinked.  
  
"I come from the U continuum."  
  
"What is the U continuum?"  
  
"Something that has absolutely nothing to do with the Q continuum."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Sigh. In approximately one hundred year's time (A/N: ? I don't know.) Captain Picard of the USS Enterprise that is not your USS Enterprise will meet a being who is a Q. We U's have nothing to do with the Q's."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"There are 26 immortal races. A's to Z's. Q's are the ones that supposedly were discovered first and they are the ones who do the most harm to the Universe in which you live. Therefore I have come back in time (or rather, to my time frame, come forwards in time) to change that and establish first contact. I am here on behalf of the U's and the phoenix is here on behalf of the Z's."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"They want to make first contact." Spock explained.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So, can we?" The U asked.  
  
"I believe we have." Spock replied, "my name is Spock. What is yours?"  
  
"My name is Cabbage."  
  
"Pleased to meet you, Cabbage."  
  
"And you."  
  
"What's the phoenix's name?"  
  
"He told you."  
  
"He did?"  
  
"Yes. His name is Chocolate-and-Cheese."  
  
"Why are you named after food?"  
  
"Why are you named after a swimming pool?"  
  
Spock arched a brow, "a swimming pool?"  
  
"Yes. You are named after the mighty Spock swimming pool of Lamb Grill Steaks, are you not?"  
  
"Let me get this straight," McCoy interrupted, "everything we consider food, like Cabbage, for example, you consider a name? Like Cabbage the U?"  
  
"Put simply anything you consider a noun we consider a name, and anything we consider a name you consider an object, McCoy the hypospray."  
  
"Well, at least that partially makes sense. I am a Doctor."  
  
"What about Kirk?" Kirk asked, finally regaining the capability to talk.  
  
"Kirk the ceiling tile." Cabbage replied seriously.  
  
"And Chapel?" McCoy's curiosity and Need-For-Fun-Making was taking over his First-Contact-Not-Insulting drive, "what about Chapel?"  
  
"Chapel the paint can."  
  
"And Chekov?"  
  
"Is there a point to this?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Very well then. Chekov the caviar dish."  
  
"Caviar is a Russian food stuff." Spock enlightened everyone.  
  
"Look," Kirk suddenly remembered why the U was there, "you want to make peace with the Federation before the Q's, correct?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because the Q's will accidentally destroy the Universe if you make contact with them first."  
  
"And the Z's? Why are they here?"  
  
"The U's and Z's and P's have had an alliance for some time. The P representative has been here for a year now, studying you."  
  
"Really? What is it?"  
  
"It is your suitcase."  
  
"My suitcase is an alien being? A P?"  
  
"Well, we knew he was suited to the job...because his name is Suitcase."  
  
"So to summarize," Spock summarized, "we have a U named Cabbage, a Z named Chocolate-and-Cheese and a P named Suitcase all on board trying to make peace with the Federation because a race named Q is going to, one hundred years in the future, blow up the Universe."  
  
"Yes." Cabbage replied.  
  
"That is illogical."  
  
"I knew you were going to say that." 


	3. The Broom That Lived

The A's to Z's Chapter Three  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Response:  
  
Broken Infinity: Yes, Kirk the ceiling tile. I thought it had a sort-of ring to it, Y'know?  
  
I-Am-Bug: Yes, a U. Not a Q.  
  
~~  
  
Whilst Spock and Cabbage had been arguing over the logic of a Phoenix actually being a Z who is called Chocolate-and-Cheese, Kirk had fetched his suitcase.  
  
"So you're saying this is a P?" He asked, holding out the suitcase to Cabbage. She nodded.  
  
"You must speak the password for him to speak back to you." She explained reverently, holding one hand to her right kneecap.  
  
"Why are you holding your knee?" McCoy asked. Cabbage arched a rather un- Spock-like brow at him.  
  
"It's called Muffin's honour."  
  
"I see. So, what's the password?"  
  
"WAKE UP YOU STUPID SUITCASE!"  
  
"Couldn't someone accidentally say that password? It's not that secretive." Kirk asked.  
  
"And since when is a human likely to say 'WAKE UP YOU STUPID SUITCASE' without being admitted to a mental institution?"  
  
"Point." Said Suitcase.  
  
"See? He agrees with me."  
  
Kirk's head was starting to hurt.  
  
"We need a staff meeting." He decided, "Spock, get Sulu, Chekov, Uhura and Scotty into the briefing room."  
  
Cabbage laughed, "Don't you mean Swimming Pool, get Toilet Seat, Caviar Dish, Blue Grass and Warp Engine?"  
  
"No." Kirk mumbled. His head was refusing to acknowledge these new names. Usually when he met women, he didn't even get names.  
  
"I'll bring Suitcase and Chocolate-and-Cheese then." Cabbage took Kirk's suitcase and wandered back to Sick Bay to fetch the phoenix.  
  
~~  
  
"A talking suitcase?"  
  
"A girl named Cabbage?"  
  
"My name's Blue Grass?"  
  
"At least I'm named after a Russian Inwention."  
  
These were the comments that greeted Kirk as he entered the Briefing Room. Evidently Cabbage had started without him, as she was sitting in his chair, dressed as Winston Churchill, with a cigar hanging out of her mouth.  
  
"Yes, it's all true." The Captain muttered, going over to Cabbage, "get outta my chair."  
  
Another giant peach appeared on the floor and Cabbage turned into the giant spider from James and the Giant Peach, and sat on it.  
  
"So." Kirk suddenly realised he didn't have a reason for calling the meeting.  
  
"Why are we here?" Uhura - Blue Grass - inquired.  
  
"Because the U's and the P's and the Z's wish to make peace with the Federation so they have sent Cabbage, Suitcase and Chocolate-and-Cheese to speak to us." Spock explained. Everyone looked at him like he was mad, then stared at the Suitcase that was placed in the middle of the table when it suddenly said:  
  
"The green feller's right. Except I'm actually Suitcase-Baggage-Rack The Third."  
  
"You make no sense." Chekov informed him.  
  
"Shut up, Caviar Dish." Chocolate-and-Cheese - the phoenix - snapped. "We are not here to be made fun of. We are here to stop the Q from destroying your universe."  
  
"A noble quest." Said a voice from one corner, "but what makes you think that we are going to destroy the universe?"  
  
Everyone looked round. Standing in the door was a broom. It was leaning on the frame casually.  
  
"Oh, not you." Cabbage cried, thumping her eight legs against the wool impatiently, "Q, go away!"  
  
"No. You're spreading bad rumours about the Q's. And therefore, the A's and V's."  
  
"What is this, a Nursery School?" McCoy piped up, "Your races are seriously named after letters? They don't have names?"  
  
"Be quiet, hypospray." The broom - Q - folded its bristles, "this has nothing to do with you."  
  
"It has to do with him and everyone in the Federation." Cabbage argued.  
  
"He is but a hypospray, it doesn't matter."  
  
"I'm a Doctor, actually." McCoy muttered sulkily, crossing his arms and glaring.  
  
"Of course you are." The Broom shook its handle, "anyway. Bad luck with the Negotiations!"  
  
And he popped off.  
  
Quite literally.  
  
~~  
  
A few notes:  
  
"Good Side": The U's Z's and P's.  
  
"Bad Side": The Q's, A's and V's. 


	4. The Blackmail

The A's to Z's Part Four  
  
~~  
  
"Who was that?" Kirk asked after everyone's brains had finished registering that, yes, there had just been a broom in the room, and, yes, it had spoken and condemned their negotiations with a suitcase named Suitcase, a girl named Cabbage and a phoenix named Chocolate-and-Cheese.  
  
"That was Q." Cabbage replied airily, weaving a silky net, "Put this above the door in case he comes back, will you?"  
  
"Do you not mean 'A Q?' ?" Spock inquired, "he was a member of the Q continuum."  
  
"No. His name is Q. And he is a Q. And he has a friend named Quinn. You must note that everyone in the Q continuum has a name beginning with Q." (A/N: I don't know if this is true).  
  
"What do these negotiations involve?" Kirk asked nervously. He was starting to see the downside about being caught in a war between 26 immortal races named after letters of the English alphabet, "Are they normal?"  
  
"To our culture they are." Chocolate-and-Cheese reassured him, "Only maybe they don't have chairs made from water in yours..."  
  
"What? Water?" McCoy piped up, "How can you make a chair from water?"  
  
"You freeze it."  
  
"So, you mean you make the chair from Ice?" Sulu asked.  
  
"No. You freeze its molecular structure thingy so it stays where it is." Cabbage sighed heavily. These humans were so stupid. No wonder they let the Q's blow up the Universe.  
  
"Where are the negotiations going to take place?" Uhura inquired, "On this ship?"  
  
"No. On Rancid oatmeal IV. It's a planet made entirely from frozen water."  
  
"You mean 'Ice'." Kirk hadn't been listening.  
  
"No, I mean...never mind."  
  
"Where is this planet?" Spock managed to ask the question without showing any signs of curiosity, "in this sector?"  
  
"No. It's in the Borg Quadrant. It's one of the only planets they haven't taken over yet."  
  
"What's a Borg? Is it like a Gorn?"  
  
"No. But the Borg do have a lot of Gorns within their collectiveness."  
  
"Beg pardon?"  
  
"The Borg are a race of...races. They find your race and turn everyone into machines, and then you are plugged into this collectiveness they call "The Collective"."  
  
"And YOU want US to go into THEIR territory and get collectivnessised?" Kirk realised he'd made a new word and scribbled it down in his little book of new words, then continued, "and what do we get out of this?"  
  
"Six weeks leave on Risa. All expenses paid."  
  
"Let's do it!"  
  
"Captain!" Everyone bar Chekov cried (for, of course, Chekov cried "Keptin!"), "don't be an idiot! W(V)e might get killed!"  
  
"It's risky, but risks are our business! When a man first looked at the stars-" Kirk was cut off as Spock struck him over the head with a pony, given to him by Cabbage.  
  
"That was illogical." The Vulcan muttered, placing the rather distraught pony on a grass patch that had suddenly appeared on the floor by Uhura's feet, "what happens if we do not participate in these negotiations?"  
  
"You ultimately doom the universe and everyone in it. And we leave you with a cargo hold full of Tribbles and Tribble-Gro."  
  
"Vhat's that?" Chekov asked, regarding the Tribble-Gro.  
  
"A Russian invention." Cabbage assured him, "Tribble-Gro makes the Tribbles reproduce at quadruple the rate they would grow if fed on normal grain like Triticalei."  
  
"Y'know what?" McCoy gulped, "let's go to this friggin' water planet already. I'm more scared of the Tribbles than I ever could be of the Borg..."  
  
~~ 


	5. The Journey That Went On Way To Long

The A's To Z's Part Five  
  
~~  
  
Bug: I know, I was just talking to you like you were Kirk.  
  
Mimi: Ah, thought it had something to do with Q.  
  
~~  
  
"Co-ordinates set. It'll take us about three days at Warp Seven to get to...er...Rancid Oatmeal IV." Sulu tapped in a few meaningless calculations into his console, then looked back at Spock, who was seated in the Command Chair. Kirk was still out cold.  
  
The pony was standing beside him, munching Smarties out of a pale hanging off the left arm of the chair.  
  
"Why can't you just go straight there at Warp Nine?" Cabbage asked Scotty. He turned to her and took a deep breath.  
  
"COS THEY JUST CAN'T DO IT LASS! THE TECHNOBABBLE JUS' WON'T ALLOW IT! SHE CANNAE DO IT, SHE JUST DOESN'T HAVE THE POWER! I CANNAE CHANGE THE LAWS OF PHYSICS!"  
  
Cabbage blinked a few times, then very pointedly stuck one finger in her ear and swizled it around a few times, generating that weird cartoon-sound, "ooooookkkkaaaayyy...what do you guys DO for three days?"  
  
"Ve...ve..." Chekov blinked, "good qvestion. Usually ve just sit here and stare at the screen. I push pointless buttons, Uhura hums, Sulu....does somethink too, and Kirk and Spock and McCoy argue."  
  
"That sounds boring." Snapped Chocolate-and-Cheese, "and completely pointless."  
  
"Velcome to our vorld." Was Chekov's returned view.  
  
"Your world is boring." Suitcase stated, "Aren't you guys allowed to do anything else? You said you were all pointless when the ship was flying along, so why don't you all just go off and do something else and come back when there's an emergency?"  
  
"Bekaus Star Fleet are also borink."  
  
"This is an illogical conversation." Spock replied. "Officers are required to stay at their stations because of Star Fleet regulation #2649476395663489374."  
  
"You ignore all the other Star Fleet regulations."  
  
"That's only when Kirk is in Command."  
  
"That's illogical."  
  
"That is my saying. No-one can say it like I." Spock's voice laced with copyright protection.  
  
"Wow. He has copyright software installed." McCoy muttered to Mr. Kyle.  
  
"Yes, but it's Microsoft. It's got to crash sometime. Then his logic will be ours!"  
  
Both of them cackled evilly before Spock turned and did a Vulcan-glare at them (which mainly involves staring at the victim completely blankly).  
  
"So, you're saying that Kirk can break every regulation in the book but his crew can't?"  
  
"Technically speaking, yes." Sulu replied, "he's like...a loophole."  
  
"No, he's a ceiling tile." Suitcase corrected him. The Asian looked confused.  
  
"He's a human being."  
  
Cabbage jumped in at that point, "yes, but on our planet his name is ceiling tile. And we've spent enough chapters talking about this so shut up!"  
  
"Vhat chapters?" Chekov asked, mildly confused.  
  
"Never mind. Let's just get to Rancid Oatmeal IV."  
  
Cabbage stopped talking as a voice from somewhere announced: "Commercial Break!"  
  
Voice from somewhere: ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT HOW MUCH PLASMA YOUR STAR SHIP IS LEAKING? THEN CHECK OUT THE NEW TECHNOBABBLY THING THAT DOES TECHNOBABBLY THINGS TO YOUR ENGINE! COMING TO A STAR BASE NEAR YOU!  
  
"That was weird...what was that?" Rand asked.  
  
"Where do you think Star Fleet gets it funding from?"  
  
"But why would WE advertise when there's no-one here but us? It's not like we're on TV or anything."  
  
Cabbage shrugged and looked away like people do when they don't want to admit things, "whatever."  
  
~~  
  
"Approaching Rancid Oatmeal IV. Going into orbit...eww! What's that smell?" Sulu announced.  
  
"Well, the planet is called Rancid Oatmeal." Suitcase arched it's...luggage handle, "it makes sense that it would smell a bit."  
  
"But it's made from vater." Chekov countered, "frozen vater."  
  
"Ice." Some Red Shirt corrected him.  
  
"No, frozen vater."  
  
"No, Ice-"  
  
"Shut up meaningless person who vill be dead by the end of the episo...day, vill be dead by the end of the DAY."  
  
"Why will he be dead?" Cabbage asked, "wait, never mind, I don't want to know. Right. Okay, Uhura, hail them."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Grand Curtain Rail the Sixth. She's the head diplomatic person thingy."  
  
"Grand Curtain Rail the Sixth...okay...what happens if I can't get through to her?"  
  
"Try the Curtains."  
  
"The who?"  
  
"The Curtains. They're a pair of identical twins. Curtain and Curtain-Who- Isn't-Curtain. But mostly people call them the Curtains."  
  
"This makes no sense."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, I've heard of satire, but this is ridiculous..."  
  
"Have you ever heard of a pair of curtains who aren't a pair of curtains but are actually only one curtain? I think not." Cabbage sat on a Ocelot who had appeared behind her, "Okay! Let's get talkin' to the curtains!"  
  
Everyone stared.  
  
~~ 


End file.
